Diputsville--Ep3:Yummy Anthrax
by Dude Jupiter
Summary: NOTE: This is a work of fiction! Don't take it seriously! Don't even read it, for that matter.


DISCLAIMER: *mumble, mumble* *something about not owning Tenchi* *something about   
Pioneer and AIC* *mumble*  
BRIEFLY: Well, it appears I have written the third in this stupid little series. I'm sorry to disappoint   
you with so many stories in this series... I know it's dumb... but bear with me.  
NOTES: I hope your intestienes are invaded with thumb-eating fish that you drank from your   
school water fountain (My gosh... I can't believe it... We couldn't drink from our water fountains at   
school for two whole days! They passed out bottles of water! Kinda makes me what I was drinking   
*before* they wouldn't let us drink the water, ya know?? Well... It's ok... Probly just because of   
the storm that knocked out our city's water (yes, I live in a small city))  
LEGAL MENTIONS: IN NO WAY AM I IN ANY DEALINGS WITH ANTHRAX. This story is   
meant to be a HUMOROUS STORY. Although in NO WAY do I find human deaths by this   
terrible stuff funny, I am incorporating anthrax into my story. I would like to state here that in no   
way do I intend to do any of the things mentioned in this story, and I would really advise you not   
to, as well! By the way, don't even joke around about this stuff, you can get in serious trouble.   
That's why I thought it necessary to put this part in here; I didn't want even the slightest chance of   
conveying to others that I would do anything dealing with anthrax. So here's the idea: This is a   
work of fiction, founded entirely in fiction, and intended to remain fiction. I am not in any   
dealings including anthrax. Thanx.  
  
DIPUTSVILLE  
by Dude Jupiter  
  
EPISODE 3: YUMMY ANTHRAX  
by Dude Jupiter  
  
  
  
It was another beautiful day at the Masaki house. The birds were singing, the sky was blue,   
and Tenchi stood on the edge of the Masaki pond considering suicide.  
*My life isn't worth anything,* he thought to himself. *I'm nothing but a ghost that has built   
a flesh-mache, and, uhm, I'm dumb, and Dude Jupiter is stupid.*  
Yes, it was another beautiful day at the Masaki house. Very beautiful. Incredibly beautiful.   
Very beautiful. Quite beautiful.  
Suddenly, Tenchi remembered something from yesterday. In the depths of his memory he   
recalled Sasami, curled up into a little green glowing ball, her blood having dried into red powder.   
Suddenly his face lit up. He had a new project for the afternoon!  
"I am going to poison the entire world with anthrax," Tenchi decided. He knew it was quite   
a project for just one afternoon, but he decided, what the heck? It'd be something to do.  
So Tenchi gathered everyone together. Yay, what a wonderful day. They all sat down in the   
TV room and Tenchi walked over by the TV. He smiled wickedly as they stared at him.  
"I'm going to poison the entire world with anthrax," Tenchi told them. "Who's with me?"  
Everyone raised their hands. Little Sasami's face brightened and her mouth dropped open in   
utter joy. She clapped her hands in glee, stomped her feet happily, and slit her wrists joyfully.   
(whoa, dude, Sasami, you better watch your suicidal tendencies... You've already died, what,   
ummm, three times?!)  
"Good," Tenchi said. "Here's my plan. We will substitute every single white powder on the   
planet Earth with anthrax. No one will be able to escape that; everyone uses white powders.   
EVERYONE. There's flour, sugar, salt, heck, even cocaine. Everyone uses white powders. So, the   
plan's simple enough. Do you people understand?"  
"Yes!" Washu said joyfully. "This is going to be great fun!"  
"It's foolproof," Tenchi said with a smile.  
That day everyone left the Masaki house, each carrying a small device made by Washu. It   
was about the size of a baseball, but it carried roughly 100 tons of anthrax inside it. The weight   
was reduced to about 12 ounces. Soooo, they had, basically, unlimited supplies of anthrax.  
Each set off in a different direction, determined to do their jobs for their planet.  
*************************************  
"Hello, little missy," the drug store man said with a smile. "What can I do for you?"  
The little girl with the bluish hair giggled. It sounded like she was gargling nails (partly   
because she was). "Kindly stick your hands in the air."  
"Ha, ha," the druggist said. "You're cute. Are we playing 'rob the drug store', now?"  
Sasami pulled a 9mm handgun from behind her back. "I said, stick your stinking hands in   
the air."  
"What's that?" The man laughed. "A water gun?"  
Sasami sighed and pulled the trigger. The man clutched his chest as it was splotched with   
red. He screamed in pain, and then pitched forward onto the counter.  
Sasami ran around to the inside of the counter. She found huge bags of white powders, little   
containers of white powders... So many white powders! She began refilling everything she could   
find with anthrax.  
*************************************  
Ryoko stood in the International Salt Plant, watching as thousands of tons of salt moved   
along some dumb transport belt, each little grain of salt waiting to be packaged into something.   
Ryoko grinned and began dumping her *special* white powders into the salt.  
Yes, this had to be Tenchi's greatest idea yet. Tenchi was simply a genius!  
*************************************  
Washu yawned sleepily as she dumped ton after ton of her anthrax into a massive container   
of water. She was in the Big Bottled Water Plant, home of the "purest bottled water in the world".   
Ha! Who would have ever guessed... She could just see it on the label...  
"This water has been purified of all ailing elements (except anthrax... there's a lot of that)!   
Drink our water and be SAFE!"  
Washu laughed and laughed. She was finally a terrorist! That had really been her lifelong   
goal. All her life, all she had wanted to be was a terrorist. That's all. But she always seemed to be   
stopped... So sad.  
Well, now she would strike against the world!  
HA HA HA!  
*************************************  
It was midnight by the time the gang all came back together. They were tired and beat.   
They had been all over the globe, poisoning the entire world with anthrax. They had gone to all   
places, big and small, to deposit their terrible poisons. And now they had finally destroyed the   
world.  
"Well, guys, it's been a big day," Tenchi said, wiping some sweat off his brow. "We've gone   
far and wide to poison the world, and we've succeeded. We committed genocide!"  
Everyone cheered. Tenchi suggested they all go in and watch the news, by the off-chance   
that some person had survived to give news. They all gathered around the TV and flipped it on.  
"Hello, and welcome to News Channel Zero," the announcer said. "It's been a bright,   
beautiful day! And now, we have an amazing announcement from Scientist Dan!"  
"That's me," some fat guy said as the camera turned to face him. "Yes! Today, people all   
over the globe practically went insane when they found out that just about everything they had   
ingested that day had been infected with anthrax! Yes, for some strange, unknown reason, today,   
almost every edible thing on the face of this earth was poisoned with anthrax.  
"The great announcement is that no one died. This is due to the human immune system!   
Apprently, when humans ingested so much anthrax, their immune system went ballistic and killed   
it all off. Now, no one is even slightly affected by anthrax anymore. In fact, a major flavoring   
company has added anthrax to its list of great things to flavor up your food. They are selling it   
commercially.  
"So the terrorists have lost again! Yay! Now, where's my anthrax burger.."  
The gang sat and watched, horrified, as the fat scientist dude picked up a hamburger, which   
was covered with anthrax, and stuffed it into his mouth. "Yum," the scientist said. "I give anthrax,   
on a scale of one to ten, an eleven! Yummy anthrax!"  
The camera switched back to the main dude. "Yes, thank you, Scientist Dan. And in   
Okayama's news today, Okayama has opened an anthrax plant to produce anthrax by the ton to   
flavor up your food like never before!"  
Everyone just sat and listened, stupefied. Yummy... anthrax?!  
Tenchi threw Ryo-Ohki at the TV. Ryo-Ohki crashed through the glass and the TV blew up.   
"WE FAILED!" Tenchi screamed. "All we were trying to do was commit genocide, and we   
FAILED! I can't BELIEVE this!!!"  
"Tenchi! Calm down!" Ryoko cried.  
"Yes," Washu agreed. "I'm sure there are pleanty of other ways to destroy this planet as we   
know it. I'm sure there are."  
"Of all things..." Tenchi said, breaking down. "Now humans are EATING that stuff as   
FOOD FLAVORING?! When we were trying to destroy all life on this planet with it...? Who would   
have thought...?"  
(From offstage, Dude Jupiter's voice is heard: "The world is a sick, sick place. Take an advil   
and get over it.")  
All heads shot up as there was a knock at the door. Wondering who could be visiting them   
at this time of night, they approached the door cautiously. They opened it, and a man was standing   
there.  
"Mr... Masaki?"  
"That's me," Nobayuki said with a smile.  
The man reached out and grabbed Nobayuki's hand and shook it furiously. "Mr. Masaki!   
What a genius you are! Pure genius! What gave you the idea putting anthrax into every bit of food   
in the world? And not only the food... the drugs, the bathrooms... Everywhere! What gave you this   
simply incredible idea?!"  
"I..."  
"You're a millionaire!" the man shouted. "We did some research and found out that you   
were the one that came up with the anthrax idea! So you're stinkin' rich now! You got   
$83,292,749,372,942,894,379,832,792 to your name as of this moment!"  
Nobayuki put on a blank look. He thought about that for a moment, then said, "Is... Is that a   
lot?"  
"Ha, ha," the man laughed. "Quite funny, dear man! Not only are you a genius, you have a   
smashing sense of humor! And, as part of your reward, the anthrax plant that was recently   
constructed in Okayama would like to award you with a lifetime supply of anthrax, the newest   
food flavoring that won't hurt you!!"  
"Yay!" Everyone screamed.  
Everyone except Tenchi.  
"Excuse me, sir," Tenchi said. "It was *me* who came up with the idea of putting anthrax   
all over the world."  
"Hahaha, sonny," the man laughed. "Let's not get jealous of your father, now. I'm sure   
someday you'll come up with an idea as amazing as his."  
"I CAME UP WITH IT!" Tenchi screamed.  
(Dude Jupiter: "No he didn't!")  
"SHUTUP, DUDE!" Tenchi screamed.  
"Hey, what can I say?" the man laughed. "If the author of this story said you didn't, what   
can I say? You didn't!"  
Tenchi cast an angry glance at Dude Jupiter. Dude, who thought that the words on his   
screen up in his room were just plain old words, was surprised when they all came together to   
form Tenchi's face, which was marred with a scowl.  
(Dude Jupiter:"Hehe")  
*************************************  
Once again the gang found themselves sitting outside, gathered around the campfire. (This   
is getting pretty monotonous, isn't it?!) They sat laughing and joking, joyfully eating   
marshmallows once again.  
Dude Jupiter was tied up and in a barrel of water, which was over the raging fire. He gulped   
nervously as the water he was in kept getting warmer and warmer and warmer. Soon he broke out   
into a sweat as the water began to steam.  
Sasami brought out some anthrax to give to the group. The group happily sprinkled the   
white powder on their food and ate the wonderful-tasting stuff. The giggled and joked and happily   
talked.  
Dude Jupiter began to hyperventilate as the water got too hot for comfort. Soon he began to   
scream in pain as the water reached a scalding temperature. Finally, the water started to boil.   
Jupiter sat in the water screaming his head off until he died.  
Unfortunately for the gang, all of them had died as well. Apparently, anthrax was still   
deadly when eaten by them. So they were all little green glowing bodies with red spots and their   
blood was dried away to powder.  
HAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S WHAT TERRORISTS GET! WHEN YOU TRY TO KILL   
PEOPLE WITH ANTHRAX, YOU WILL BECOME A GREEN GLOWING BODY WITH RED   
SPOTS AND YOUR BLOOD WILL DRY AWAY TO POWDER! So whoever the heck it is that is   
mailing that sick stuff around the world... Remember... You will die... And your plans will fail.  
Just before dawn squirrels came out of the trees and ate the dead body of Dude Jupiter.  
  
THE END  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: (skip 'em all, it's stupid, ya know)  
  
Oh my! It has been a wonderful day, has it not? Well... like I said... I don't even think that death   
by anthrax is even remotely funny (unless it's one of the Tenchi cast that dies, and then it's simply   
hilarious). I think that real life death is terrible, and I'm not supporting it. Remember, this is called   
a "fic" for certain reasons.  
  
Well! It's been a glorious day (oh wait, I already said that). Oh, and to my dear "fans" who truly   
hate me with all their guts (WOWA! I GOT MY FIRST REVIEWS FOR MY FIRST TWO   
DIPUTSVILLE EPISODES TODAY! Whoopie! What was his name... Arg! Why can't I remember   
his name?! Well, I never really was good with names. But whoever it was, I'm assuming he's going   
to read this, so, TO YOU: I'm sorry I can't remember your name, I am horrible with names... And I   
wasn't sure if you were joking or not... About MST'ing Crazy Court... But if you were serious, I...   
*tear of joy* I'd only be too happy to oblige... Just email me the MST when (if) you do it... *snif*   
ok...)  
  
Anywho... Yeah! Stupid story, I know, everyone hates me, oh well. I have no idea what the next   
episode will be but I have ideas... Also I'm still planning for a new fic somewhat like Fire Upon   
Emeralds, if I can get the ideas right... Hehe! So, review this story, by all means... Me loves   
reviews...  
  
This story was very stupid (as are all my stories) and I'm sure you now hate me (as everyone else   
does) and want to murder me (as everyone else does). (That's partly why I don't give out my street   
adress...) Just be expecting me to pollute FanFiction.Net with more of my stupid stories. Thanks.  
  
Dude Jupiter out (finally)-- 


End file.
